“For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do.”
A conversation with friends over breakfast this morning got me thinking about contradictions. The more I try to live justly, the more I feel like the author above.
We started an organic farm only to discover that we held stock in Monsanto, THE largest and most evil agribusiness trying to take over the world (we cashed it out).
We continue to be half-hearted vegetarians who love sushi.
I can’t wait for tomato season, and once it’s here, I miss the potatoes and sweet peas.
One Thursday I harvested fresh vegetables while eating high fructose Good & Plentys.
I want to have a farm in the country, but I love the city.
I am a pacifist, but I killed a rooster.
I recycle, but not peanut butter or salad dressing containers, those are just too hard to clean.
I want to stop consuming, but new clothes are really nice sometimes.
A loved one said words that hurt, and I responded not with love and grace, but with judgement and cutting remarks.
I want to live in community, but I love to be alone.
Our chickens are raised humanely, but due to some oversight from us, they came from a large hatchery (factory farm) so their parents were not.
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The words from a hymn we often sing on Sunday nights, one of Chris’ favorites comes to mind, “This is my Father’s world. O let me ne’er forget, that though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet.”
As I close my eyes tonight, my heart burning with my hypocrisy, shortcomings, guilt and shame, I make a decision to rest in God’s grace. For I believe that redemption and resurrection will surely come to our world. Not because of what I do, but because ultimately God is in control of our world, and I am not. And that is a very good thing.